In my overflowing excitement about this year’s Zoofights (read here for my description), I forced my entertainment will on my recent roadtrip companions through an improvised car-bound minature version of it! We happened to have a giant sack of animal crackers with us, from which I traced around eight different shapes. These provided the outline for A-Cool and Catmanuel to enhance as they saw fit. What resulted was this fabulous initial roster:
As you can see, all contenders came well-equipped for the conflict. Each of these fearsome combatants engaged one other in a battle to the death, the victor being determined by a vote-weighted roll of a 100-sided die. Essentially, each of my traveling companions would vote for their favourite of a pair and I would cast my vote in secret (though I always voted for the underdog to insert the potential of an upset). I would then map these votes to numbers on a die and roll it to determine the winner. This result, however, was revealed only through my narration of the battle’s proceedings. And proceed they did! Notable features of the first round included:
- Slab the Killer Bear and Robin Hippo fighting atop two semi trailers speeding down the highway, both driven by Vin Diesel. Does it get any more extreme than this?
- The Jungle Crook, after employing Pokemon stolen from Ash Ketchum, kicked Tapman through the wall of MIR and into space where he promptly exploded. The Jungle Crook, for an unknown reason, did not. Probably stole a space suit or something.
- A ridiculous amount of collateral damage and civilian casualties were inflicted, attributed evenly to all of the contestants.
Those who won the initial round moved on into the semi-final bracket, but were encouragedto scavenge the corpses of their fallen foes for enhancements, which as you can see, were well-applied:
Though I’m not sure at this point if the acquisition of an outside unicorn horn was completely legal, the semi-finalists were quite liberal in their application of upgrades. Robin, seeing the unclaimed wings of Tapman and the Chainsaw of Irrelephant, quickly acquired and applied these items to her battle ensemble, not wanting to be outdone by the now triple-belted Jungle Crook. Fire 2 Silk Fox put on forty pounds while TUSQUATTO sought out a touch of class, in addition to Slab’s killer moustache. This round saw the triumph of both underdogs, as Robin Hip-Hop-A-Chainsawtomus flitted nimbly between cars on a traffic jammed Golden Gate Bridge to eventually chainsaw the shit-eating grin from her opponent’s face. Meanwhile, Fire 2 Silk Fox proved that her ninja training went far deeper than physical amorphousness, though the end of the battle found her slowly sinking into the magma of an Icelandic volcano (yes, that volcano).
However, any beast that could make it to the final round must have some tricks up her sleeve and so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our finalists, vying for the title of Roadtrip Zoofights King of the Animal Crackers:
Having appropriated The Jungle Crook’s shit-eating grin (which was determined to be the root of his kleptomania), Robin was well equipped with armaments of all sorts, including her very own unicorn horn (as that looked to be quite an asset) and a massive horde of hungry hungry rabbits. The fox was, as should be expected, transformed and enhanced by her encounter with the volcano and so added control of fire and a chain axe to her already considerable set of weapons and ancient martial techniques.
For this epic and final confrontation, Disneyland was selected as the battleground. The finalists quickly ascended the fantasyland castle, only to realize that the entire population of overfed and spoiled children had transformed into (or perhaps were already equivalent to) flesh-eating undead and were slowly ascending the battlements. In between exchanging blows, the combatants had to fling the corpulent vermin from the roof to keep from being overrun. Robin was unable to employ her rabbit horde in the focal conflict, instead needing to direct them against the encroaching throng of pasty pre-teens.
As the mass grew thicker, the two combatants looked at each other with something other than pure malevolent rivalry. It was clear that they would have to work together or risk utter annihilation at the sticky hands of the fleshy tide. So, tapping into the magic of Disney, Fox, Robin, and the horde of rabbits joined together into one gargantuan abomination, which promptly crushed both the castle and the gibbering mass that was covering it.
However, despite their momentary cooperation, the two finalists had not come this far to share in the glory of a Zoofights championship. Since they now occupied one grotesque and almost completely immobile body, they retreated in spirit to the astral plane to resolve their conflict. It was here that the battle was decided as all of Robin’s stolen equipment was of no use in this alternate realm. Magma Silk Fire Fox’s years of ninja training extended far beyond her physical body and, through discipline and force of will, she managed to utterly obliterate the essence of Robin Hip-Hop-A-Chainsawtomus the Third, Esquire, leaving her the sole occupant of their massive combined body.
As with all messes in Disneyland, staff was almost immediately on the scene to clean up, bringing in helicopters to coat the beast entirely in bronze, an opportunistic replacement for the demolished fantasyland castle and an eternal monument to the glory of Zoofights. As the bronze hardened, encasing Fox inside her monument, a familiar shit-eating grin floated gently on the breeze and settled delicately into place on the statue. The end?
Thanks, friends, for humoring me in my latest obsession. That was a lot of fun. And if you haven’t checked out Zoofights proper, what the hell are you waiting for?